I wrote the following post exactly one year ago. I am posting it again on my professional blog, because I believe this conversation is just as important today as it was last year. Given what has just gone on in the United States, we have witnessed again, just how badly the system needs to change. My heart goes out to Dr. Ford for being so brave and to anyone that was triggered by the recent events. Take good care of yourselves. It is important in times like these when we feel helpless, to really focus on our own healing, it will have a ripple effect on the collective. Thank you for reading.
Written October 2017:
The last few days have brought up a lot for me and for a lot of people in my close circle. My heart is feeling a lot of sadness and anger as I continue to watch the constant stream of Me Too’s flood my news feed. It seems that whenever there is a public Hollywood outing of a male predator like Harvey Weinstein, or previously with Jian Ghomeshi, there is a movement on social media that allows individuals who have had similar experiences to share their stories. A similar process that happens in group-counseling circle’s goes on. Little by little, as people get more vulnerable and courageous, it gives the next person permission to do so and creates momentum. It allows a platform for people to have a voice and to feel some-what safe to be heard and to share.
Why is this feeling of being heard so important? From my own personal experience and from what I have observed, we live in a culture where it can be very hard to be vulnerable and to speak the truth. Especially when it comes to issues of sexual harassment and sexual abuse. There is so much evidence in history and in current times that shows when a victim of sexual harassment or abuse comes out, often times they are blamed or people don’t believe them. This pattern creates a strong collective fear that by coming out and opening up, things are going to get worse than they already are. This is the exact thing that desperately needs to change. I am guilty of succumbing to this fear as well. Even the other day when I was reflecting on the countless times that I have experienced sexual assault and harassment, I felt that same reluctance to share my experiences on Facebook as part of the Me Too campaign that I have felt after each violation I have experienced. This is the very silencing I am speaking of that I have experienced so strongly in the past and unfortunately it still lingers. This culture has been one where we just don’t talk about those things, where it is more comfortable to stay silent. However, with movements like the Me Too campaign, and more and more people speaking out, I am starting to feel some major shifts. In my opinion, it is becoming more uncomfortable to stay silent. I realized today just how privileged I am to be present in this culture at this time. The fact that women and men can publicly share these types of experiences on a social platform is actually a huge privilege. It truly hit me just how lucky I am to be able to share my voice safely and hopefully by doing so, my journey will go on to help at least one other person to feel seen and heard.
When I was 21 years old, a stranger sexually assaulted me. I had the opportunity to report him, and sadly I did not. I was too scared to. Ultimately, I didn’t feel safe to report it or to tell anyone initially. There was no guarantee that it wouldn’t backfire in my face and from what I had seen in my 21 years, I had it ingrained in my psyche that it wouldn’t be an easy process or a good idea for me to come forth. Even though I understand deeply why I didn’t report it, if I could go back in time, I may have encouraged my younger self to come forth, in hopes that he would get justice for what he did to me and to prevent others from going through the same. However, I have done many years of healing around this trauma, and I know that I cannot change the past nor do I have any desire to change it. I have learned so much and have received so many gifts from it and my hope is that I can use my voice to hopefully help other people who have gone through this too or may be going through it right now. All I wanted and needed when I was 21 was to be seen, held and heard and my deepest desire is that we can create a culture and a justice system where one day women/men do not feel scared to share their experiences or feel as though they need to be silenced. I hope that with this movement that I am witnessing unfold over the last few days, that it continues and it doesn’t just stop after a couple of weeks. That parents are having discussions with their young kids about consent and respect, that people who have committed acts of harassment and violence get help and heal those shadow parts of themselves, and that the ones who have experienced this form of invasion are feeling seen, held, heard and receive deep healing. My wish is that this movement and discussion continues and that it doesn’t just stop here. That action is being carried forward and that it doesn’t just stop at the Facebook posts.
If I have any words of wisdom to my younger self or to anyone who may be reading this, it would be to trust your inner voice and listen to your intuition. The situation I got into when I was 21 happened because I did not listen to my intuition and my inner voice was not loud enough. I let fear take over, fear of ‘what will those people think of me if I go home from the party early?’ I didn’t listen to that little voice inside that was telling me to leave when I felt uncomfortable. This does not excuse what that man did to me and I am not blaming myself, I am simply just stating a fact and sharing a big lesson that I learned that night. If we want to create a culture where we are having others be heard, held and seen, it needs to start with ourselves first. Pay attention to your inner voice, your body and listen to what it is telling you. When we can do that, when we can heal ourselves, I believe it will start to heal the culture as a collective.