What Does The World Need More Of?

How are we going to get through this? 

I am having very dark thoughts. 

I am overwhelmed. 

I am exhausted. 

I am anxious.  

I can’t sleep. 

I am scared.

I am sad. 

These are common statements that I hear in my work everyday with my patients. Working in the field of mental health, supporting others through this collective trauma over the last two years has been a ride. I have worked with people from all different walks of life and belief systems. And in each person, I witness the fragility and the resiliency of the human spirit. I see courageous people who desperately want to feel better. Who don’t want to be in fear anymore and who will do anything to move away from the discomfort.

And at the same time I feel privileged to be in a position to hold the most vulnerable spaces with people. Spaces to express dark thoughts, to feel deeply, to scream, laugh, cry and play. A space to be seen and held. A space to receive compassion when they feel no one else understands. And a space to explore with curiosity. To explore the intricacies of the human psyche and the emotional body. I have seen a lot over the last two years, yet the intensity is only increasing. 

How are we collectively going to get through life as things continue to unravel? Three words come to mind: Curiosity, Compassion, and Community. 

Curiosity: Rather than jumping to judgement and certainty, keeping an open mind to alternative views and perspectives, asking questions and inquiring.  

Compassion: The motivation to alleviate suffering from self and others. The opposite of indifference, cruelty and insensitivity. 

Community: Connection with others & the more than human world cultivates safety, comfort and holding. Isolation and disconnection leads to fear, anxiety, loneliness, shame, addiction, depression & grief.

We all are human. And we all have universal needs and fears. No one is certain. Yet everyone is certain. It feels good to be certain (it actually releases dopamine). Yet, it doesn’t leave room for difference. It enhances polarization, segregation and othering. It creates division and fragmentation. Which ultimately leads to more suffering. 

Having compassion and curiosity allows for there to be space for meaningful dialogue and differing of opinions, without hating each other, discriminating or hurting one another. I believe we need radical cultural healing that allows for many perspectives. We need community and coming together. 

We are all struggling in our own unique ways. I invite each of you to see if you can have more compassion & curiosity for yourself and for those you encounter, even if their beliefs are not your own. If this is difficult, get curious and seek support. As the world continues to unravel, it will become more and more apparent just how important community support systems are. 

Sending love to each of you. And thank you for reading the musings of my mind. A special shout out to my fellow mental health practitioners and health care providers. I see you. I know you are tired and I hope you are taking time to care for yourselves too. Thank you for your work!

How to Ignite Your Magic Within

There are several traditional definitions of magic, but this is the one I most resonate with: “An extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural source.” Often times we use the word magic to describe something that is, well, indescribable. An experience that is ineffable: “Too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words.” 

There is something about the word magic that brings a smile to my face. Perhaps it is the nostalgia of remembering when I experienced things for the first time as a child, or maybe it’s the nature of magic that it will always defy attempts to limit it to our concepts. Like capturing lightning in a bottle.

Nourishing the soul:

I believe the experience of magic is perceived differently person-to-person. It is subjective and cannot be objectively measured. In my experience, when I feel the magic, it is when I am in complete alignment with what my heart and soul wants. When I come alive. It is the feeling I get when I nail a new dance move, the feeling I get when my face is in the sunshine on the beach, moments with my niece and nephews, slipping into a bath with essential oils, witnessing someone in their power and hearing a piece of music that moves me to tears.

All of these experiences have something in common: they nourish my soul and bring me great joy. Our soul craves moments where we feel the magic. These moments are a result of listening to the subtle whispers of our heart and living in connection with the deepest parts of ourselves. When we can connect deeply, it ignites a passion from within that radiates outward.

How do we feel more magic?

A big lesson that I have learned over the years is that all the answers we need, and all the magic, is actually within us. It is just a matter of knowing how to access it and not being afraid to ask for help to get to that place. We often think that finding the inner magic, or happiness, is an outward search for things to make us feel more fulfilled.

For example, throughout my 20’s, I got a lot of my self-worth and fulfillment from the outside world. Stacking on achievement after achievement, degree after degree. All of which I am thankful for, however, once I finally realized that true fulfillment was not going to come from external accomplishments, I started to go really deep inward. Through the process of reconnection, I have come to understand that we truly do have all the answers within us. However, our culture is designed to take the wind out of our sails, it fills us with fears about all the ways we are inadequate and often promotes disconnection. In turn, we need to apply an enormous amount of internal commitment to ourselves, which allows for deeper connections on many levels. The more we nourish ourselves, the more we have to give in other areas of our lives.

Some ways to call in more alignment and more magic is to ask yourself these questions and incorporate more of these into your weekly routine:

• What experiences nourish me?

• What brings me joy?

• What feeds my soul?

• What lights me up?

All of which is not to say that we will experience magic all the time. In my life, that has not proven true. We will still have ups and downs, joy and pain. We are, in fact, still human. However, the more in tune you are with your inner self and inner voice, the easier it gets to manage those unfavorable emotions and ride the waves of life. It just takes time, commitment, tools and guidance to release what is in the way of us experiencing ourselves fully and to hear the whispers of our heart and soul.

 Make a list of these nourishing practices and incorporate them in to your weekly routine. If you are feeling blocked, please do not be afraid to ask for guidance.

Photo credit: http://solosproductions.com/

Having the Courage to Allow Our Challenges to Change Us

The definition of courage is to have strength in the face of pain or grief.  By having courage to accept what is and allow these challenges to be accepted as a part of the journey, it invites perspective into the process. Life is not linear: it is composed of highs and lows and is a vast journey of transformation and lessons. We will have joy and sadness, birth and death, wins and losses, expansion and contraction, love and heartbreak. Change is inevitable. From my experiences and fair share of ups and downs, I have come to learn that our ability to surrender to life’s natural rhythms and periods of discomfort is actually one of our most valuable tools. This power of surrender that I speak of doesn’t mean to simply give up. It means to learn to ride the waves of life, to surrender to what is. 

Sometimes we catch beautiful, effortless, blissful waves and sometimes gnarly, terrifying, chaotic waves knock us right off our surfboard. When those beautiful waves come along, I always encourage others and myself to really soak in those moments, to ride every last second of it, and reflect on the sheer amazement in those moments of bliss. In contrast, when one of those waves knocks you down, the best thing you can do in that moment is to just surrender to what is, until the wave calms down and you can catch a break to swim to the surface. 

This is about surrendering to what is happening in the moment – not trying to change it, but accepting it and looking for the lesson in it.  For every experience filled with discomfort or hardship, there is always an opportunity to learn a new lesson or skill.  The lessons may not surface immediately, and, in fact, it may not be clear until years later, but if you remain patient and open minded, there will always be lessons learned and new skills developed.

It is, however, a matter of choice. We always have a choice to respond with curiosity, rather than with contempt.  A curiosity to consider where the universe is stretching us to grow in that moment. Eckhart Tolle explains this very eloquently:

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”

Within this process, you may experience extreme confusion or pain or you may feel absolutely broken and angry at the world. These feelings are unpleasant, but it is crucial that we feel these emotions and move through them. For when we suppress them for too long, or numb ourselves, these emotions will surface later on or can lead to chronic illness, insomnia, depression, anxiety, and addiction, or undesired repeated actions.

When we feel broken apart, it doesn't mean that we have failed: it is another invitation to grow, transform and ultimately expand ourselves. In my opinion, it is about feeling what you are feeling in the moment, but then allowing yourself to accept and surrender to what is, learning to flow and adapt to whatever is happening in that moment. During times where it feels very overwhelming or unfair, ask yourself, what am I being called to learn right now? Finding the answers will be an individualized and personal journey. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or support when you need it.

A couple of years ago, I was physically assaulted by another woman. Not only was I left with two fractured ribs, a concussion, a separated shoulder and torn neck muscles, it was emotionally traumatic. This event surfaced a lot of negative emotions like shame, anger, sadness, frustration and I felt very broken. During this period where I felt broken, I found myself disconnecting and numbing what I was going through. I got really good at pretending everything was okay on the outside. Over time, I realized that I was not only numbing my negative emotions, but I was also numbing the positive ones.  I was struggling to experience joy and love from within.  Having been in this space before, I knew that I was the only one that was going to get myself out of what I was going through. I surrendered to what was happening in the moment, and made the choice to discover what this experience was calling forth for me to learn. With the help from other practitioners, healers and guides, I began a very deep healing journey. This incident created a profound opening for me to once again, go deeply within.  I now have a vast amount of gratitude for the lessons that I have learned from that experience.

I believe that whenever life deals us those waves that can throw us off our center, or experiences that are just down right incredibly challenging, it brings forth an opportunity for change and growth. These waves stretch us and create openings and opportunities to go deeper within, to learn more about our souls and what we have come to this planet to learn and what we are destined to do. These journeys are not always easy though. It takes courage to allow you to explore and learn. It takes courage to allow these challenges to change you. It often requires that we unearth those shadow parts of ourselves and sit with it. It can be really uncomfortable and hard to find lessons in the pain, which is why not everyone does it.  Disconnecting and numbing ourselves is often much easier, but tends to leave things in a state of stasis or destruction. When you courageously and consciously work on your own personal healing, it is admirable and rewarding. Little by little, the more we connect to ourselves – all the parts of ourselves – we begin to experience life more deeply and more in alignment with what our heart and soul desires. For this change that I speak of is ultimately a journey of re-connection back to the authentic self and soul. A re-connection to the essence within and ultimately when that happens, it creates an internal power that radiates outward. When we can be more in our power and living from a space of growth and connection, we can ultimately live more in alignment with what our soul wants. This is where we experience the magic.

“She did not find the grim in falling apart. For every time she found herself broken, she knew she was brutally remaking herself, and collapsing to be reborn like a rioting star; haunting the dark sky.” – R.M. Drake

11 Tips for supporting a loved one with cancer

The word cancer has an intense charge to it. I know that whenever I hear the word, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It means many different things to many different people and everyone is impacted by it in some way or another. Growing up, I knew of good friends who had parents who battled cancer, I had extended family members that battled different forms, but it had not changed my life directly, yet. Fast forward to September 1st, 2017, the day the word cancer had a whole new meaning to my family and I.  My beautiful three-year-old niece was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, a cancer that starts in the lymphoid line of blood cells within the bone marrow.  That day will forever be etched in my mind.  I remember trying to hold it together entertaining my niece, while my sister and her husband met with a team of oncologists for over two hours. I knew it was not going to be good news. Seeing the look on my sister’s face as she came back in the room, I knew.  As I was overcome with fear, my sister pulled me into the hallway to tell me the diagnosis and it felt like our world had been completely flipped upside down.  Hearing those words that my favourite little human has blood cancer, was a moment that I will never forget. A real-life nightmare had come true for our family and we were about to embark on a roller coaster of a journey that millions of people go through on the daily. This is our story, and when I think about how many of these stories exist out there, my heart aches. I cannot understand what it would be like to be the one battling cancer, but I can speak to what it is like to support someone and a family going through treatment.  It is an up and down battle watching someone you care about so deeply go through so much, and often we do not know what we can do to support. Over a year later since my niece’s diagnosis, I felt inspired to create a list of some tips from my direct experience and from talking with other family members and friends who are supporting loved ones go through cancer treatment. This is by no means a complete list, but I hope that these tips will be of use to anyone supporting a loved one affected by cancer.  Ultimately, from my experience, I have learned that it is best to just do something. Don’t just say: “let me know if I can do anything” because the person will likely have a hard time asking. The one’s who just show up, text, support, donate blood, drop off gifts and food, etc. make a huge difference and are deeply appreciated.

1.)   Keep communication open – face this together. Cancer can be very scary and sometimes people do not know what to say or do, so they do not say anything at all because they are scared or fearful of saying the “wrong thing”.  This can create distance and can make the ones ‘in it’ feel very isolated. Try to put your own fears aside and let your friend or loved one know that you are thinking of them. It will go a long way.

2.)   Self-care. When you are supporting someone who has cancer, it is very important that you are taking care of yourself too.  If you are practicing self-care, you will be able to be more present, patient and will have a greater capacity to deal with the ups and downs. When you can fill your own cup up, you will have more to give. Suggestions: walks in nature, exercise, relaxing baths, massages, therapy, etc.

3.)   Food delivery. Dropping off dinner, pre-cooked meals, or groceries can go a long way and is very helpful on the chemo days or long hospital stays.

4.)   Donate blood. At the beginning of my niece’s treatment, she had to have several blood and plasma transfusions and there are many, many other people with cancer who require transfusions as a part of their treatment. It is a great way to show support and can save a life!

5.)   Spend quality time and treat them how you normally would. Spend time with your loved one that is going through treatment.  Treat them how you normally would. Still fill them in on what is going on in your life and include them in the ‘normalcy’ as much as possible.

6.)   Laughter. Create moments of laughter and joy with your loved one. Laughter is powerful medicine and it will help to lift the dark moments.

7.)   Help with tasks around the house. Help with doing the simple tasks around the house that take a lot of energy like doing dishes, laundry or tidying up.

8.)   Go to treatment with them. If they do not have someone to go to treatment with them, offer to drive them and be with them during the treatment if possible. Treatment is less traumatic when a loved one is there, supporting and providing a loving presence.

9.)   Listen. Allow them to share how they are feeling with you, and just listen. Don’t try to fix any of it or make any of it better, just listen and allow them to feel seen and heard.

10.)   Get your own support. Seek counseling, somatic therapy and get lots of support for yourself. Being in the supporting role can bring up a lot of emotions and activation in the nervous system, it is important to take care of you too.

11.)   Do not forget.  There is usually a lot of support in the beginning. However, it is a long journey for some and the people who continue to check in from time to time really help to keep them feeling supported along the way.

Keep Having The Difficult Conversations

I wrote the following post exactly one year ago. I am posting it again on my professional blog, because I believe this conversation is just as important today as it was last year. Given what has just gone on in the United States, we have witnessed again, just how badly the system needs to change. My heart goes out to Dr. Ford for being so brave and to anyone that was triggered by the recent events. Take good care of yourselves. It is important in times like these when we feel helpless, to really focus on our own healing, it will have a ripple effect on the collective. Thank you for reading.

Written October 2017:

The last few days have brought up a lot for me and for a lot of people in my close circle. My heart is feeling a lot of sadness and anger as I continue to watch the constant stream of Me Too’s flood my news feed. It seems that whenever there is a public Hollywood outing of a male predator like Harvey Weinstein, or previously with Jian Ghomeshi, there is a movement on social media that allows individuals who have had similar experiences to share their stories. A similar process that happens in group-counseling circle’s goes on. Little by little, as people get more vulnerable and courageous, it gives the next person permission to do so and creates momentum. It allows a platform for people to have a voice and to feel some-what safe to be heard and to share.

Why is this feeling of being heard so important? From my own personal experience and from what I have observed, we live in a culture where it can be very hard to be vulnerable and to speak the truth. Especially when it comes to issues of sexual harassment and sexual abuse. There is so much evidence in history and in current times that shows when a victim of sexual harassment or abuse comes out, often times they are blamed or people don’t believe them. This pattern creates a strong collective fear that by coming out and opening up, things are going to get worse than they already are. This is the exact thing that desperately needs to change. I am guilty of succumbing to this fear as well. Even the other day when I was reflecting on the countless times that I have experienced sexual assault and harassment, I felt that same reluctance to share my experiences on Facebook as part of the Me Too campaign that I have felt after each violation I have experienced. This is the very silencing I am speaking of that I have experienced so strongly in the past and unfortunately it still lingers. This culture has been one where we just don’t talk about those things, where it is more comfortable to stay silent. However, with movements like the Me Too campaign, and more and more people speaking out, I am starting to feel some major shifts. In my opinion, it is becoming more uncomfortable to stay silent. I realized today just how privileged I am to be present in this culture at this time. The fact that women and men can publicly share these types of experiences on a social platform is actually a huge privilege. It truly hit me just how lucky I am to be able to share my voice safely and hopefully by doing so, my journey will go on to help at least one other person to feel seen and heard.

When I was 21 years old, a stranger sexually assaulted me. I had the opportunity to report him, and sadly I did not. I was too scared to. Ultimately, I didn’t feel safe to report it or to tell anyone initially. There was no guarantee that it wouldn’t backfire in my face and from what I had seen in my 21 years, I had it ingrained in my psyche that it wouldn’t be an easy process or a good idea for me to come forth. Even though I understand deeply why I didn’t report it, if I could go back in time, I may have encouraged my younger self to come forth, in hopes that he would get justice for what he did to me and to prevent others from going through the same. However, I have done many years of healing around this trauma, and I know that I cannot change the past nor do I have any desire to change it. I have learned so much and have received so many gifts from it and my hope is that I can use my voice to hopefully help other people who have gone through this too or may be going through it right now.  All I wanted and needed when I was 21 was to be seen, held and heard and my deepest desire is that we can create a culture and a justice system where one day women/men do not feel scared to share their experiences or feel as though they need to be silenced. I hope that with this movement that I am witnessing unfold over the last few days, that it continues and it doesn’t just stop after a couple of weeks. That parents are having discussions with their young kids about consent and respect, that people who have committed acts of harassment and violence get help and heal those shadow parts of themselves, and that the ones who have experienced this form of invasion are feeling seen, held, heard and receive deep healing. My wish is that this movement and discussion continues and that it doesn’t just stop here. That action is being carried forward and that it doesn’t just stop at the Facebook posts. 

If I have any words of wisdom to my younger self or to anyone who may be reading this, it would be to trust your inner voice and listen to your intuition. The situation I got into when I was 21 happened because I did not listen to my intuition and my inner voice was not loud enough. I let fear take over, fear of ‘what will those people think of me if I go home from the party early?’ I didn’t listen to that little voice inside that was telling me to leave when I felt uncomfortable. This does not excuse what that man did to me and I am not blaming myself, I am simply just stating a fact and sharing a big lesson that I learned that night. If we want to create a culture where we are having others be heard, held and seen, it needs to start with ourselves first. Pay attention to your inner voice, your body and listen to what it is telling you. When we can do that, when we can heal ourselves, I believe it will start to heal the culture as a collective.